Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
