So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
