I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
