yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
My balls are so social today.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
