oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
