she was so not down for the gang bang
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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