OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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