Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
