so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
