Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
