You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
