There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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