last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
