I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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