I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
bring money and cleavage
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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