mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
