I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
