every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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