How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
