I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
