dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
