Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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