OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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