omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Randomize
