he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
