More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize