Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
