some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
