Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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