if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
