This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
