How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
