twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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