I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
