You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
