I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
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