Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Can you bring me the toilet please
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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