this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
