Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
