My first STD was from a foam party
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
