i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
