I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
tell me about the fingering
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
