I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
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