is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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