there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
