My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
