i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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