guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Randomize
