On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
