Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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