Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
