Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
