i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
