Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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