I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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