i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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