Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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