Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
