Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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