I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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