I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
