I want to walk on stilts...naked
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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