My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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