I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
