the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
My feet surprised me
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