Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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