Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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